it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
