I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
