your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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