Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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