I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
