watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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