what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
