i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
