i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
