Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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