Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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