he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
