It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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