Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
