I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
cat food counts as protein by the way
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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