Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
