I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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