now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
