i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
