And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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