Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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