update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
