a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
love makes seman taste better
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
