i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
