She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
