weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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