I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
