I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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