So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
