Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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