I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize