I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
