There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
