Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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