i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
