He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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