we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
