I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
