Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
