If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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