He uses pillows to masturbate.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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