I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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