in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
In America we eat man semen.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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