last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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