I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
