I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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