theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize