Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
