He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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