If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
