Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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