There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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