I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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