I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
