:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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