Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
