toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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