News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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