According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
