A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
