you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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